Yesterday my landlord arrived carrying some sort of archaic metal giant-plunger looking contraption. He then set up a patio chair in the grass and proceeded to sit and direct while his ancient wife hoisted the plunger thing into the foliage of my mango tree over and over to pick any fruits ripe enough to eat.

I know the international law of fruit trees is anything that hangs over a property line or fence is fair game. The trunk and bulk of this particular Mango tree is on the neighboring property, but it’s an enormous tree so the amount in our backyard is still very substantial.

Now technically, yes, he gained ownership of the mangos in our yard when he bought the property, but as a renter, I feel I have some usage rights and my own kind of claim to them as well.
True, it’s a mainly spiritual claim as I’m the mangoes primary emotional support.
But, Internet, seriously. Friendship has a real value. Just wait until you’re getting attacked by crows and see what you think about nobody coming to help you.

See? I’m an awesome friend.

Ownership and usage aside it seems very unsportsmanlike to do the following:

1. Use a tool to take the mangos from the top. Fine if you’re a farmer, but when you’re an 80 year old retired carpentry inspector you can afford to donate a couple to the bats in the name of natural harmony. Call it ecological retribution or maybe just call it being NICE.

2. Bossing your equally ancient wife “Those over there!” “You’re doing it wrong” “You missed the gold one!” loud enough for me to hear from the living room while she’s working her ass off.

3. Premeditating your laziness by bringing a folding chair from home. My landlord is no invalid folks, so stay off the “maybe he has a condition” train. He’ll come over and haul garbage cans and hedge trimmers around for HOURS. Usually it’s the hours before my alarm goes off but regardless, I’ve seen him do all sorts of stuff. He’s fine.

4. Who needs that many mangoes? These fruits are HUGE. Like the size of my hand huge. A single mango will supply both The Mister and I with enough natural sugar and deliciousness for an entire day. What in the hell is he going to do with twenty?

Poor, barely ripening mango, your time is limited. I cannot protect you from the dastardly landlord